Gaara Ryhmes with Sahara
by Arrista
Summary: Rated for language, title has nothing to do with the story. Anko mothers Haku, who falls for the psychotic Gaara. Only problem, so does Anko. A little Orochimaru x Ino later on.
1. Prolouge

Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto and all characters from the show. I claim no ownership of any of this.

It was a dark stormy day in The Hidden Leaf Village. Sharp cold winds blew throughout the peaceful city, rain sleet slammed down on all below and lightning struck here and there. No one was foolish enough to be out during the storm, except one little boy hiding under an empty cardboard box. He stayed under there, sad depressed until a great gust swept him up and sent him, still in the box through someone's window.

"Holy shit!" shouted Anko seeing a girl's legs lying out the open end of the cardboard box.

The body stirred and gracefully threw the box off her. She was a young black haired girl. She looked nervous and scared.

Anko looked confused, "Who are you lil' girl?" she asked dumbfounded.

"I'm a boy," she replied quickly and began to slowly back toward the door.

Before he could reach the door Anko grabbed his chest and held him to her. He screamed and began to cry.

"Holy hell! You really are a boy!" Anko shouted surprised and let go of him.

Timidly he backed away from her. He caught a window in the corner of his eye; it was his only chance for escape. As soon as he noticed it however a kunai whizzed by his face, making a small cut on his cheek.

"What's your name?" Anko asked the young boy.

"H-Haku," he replied nervously.

Slowly Anko began to lose her attention span. "Why are you alone?" she asked curiously.

Haku looked down at floor and quietly told her his story.

Anko felt sorry for him and looked Haku, crying from his horrid memories. Slowly she walked over to him and hugged him, and wiped a few tears away from his face. His head was still tilted downward toward the ground however his eyes gazed up to Anko. One last snivel escaped him and he stopped. Anko whispered something inaudible into Haku's ear. Finally the tears stopped flowing from Haku's eyes and he looked up at Anko in disbelief.


	2. Kankuro diescelebrate

Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto and I own nothing.

Anko looked anxiously at the midgets, er children about to take the chunnin exam. They were a lot of freaks. As she glanced over them explaining the rules one of them caught her eye; it was a brown haired boy with weird eyes. Instantly Anko fell in love with the twelve year old. Slowly she remembered what she was supposed to be doing and after a spell of blankness went back to explaining the dull rules. In the middle of her blabber about the scrolls she kissed the brown haired lad out of the blue.

Gaara had no clue what had just happened. If he'd been less startled he'd have killed her but he just stood there, stupefied. The instructor lady had already jumped back and was standing, about to continue the rules as soon as everyone stopped gawking at her and Gaara. He heard Temari giggle slightly beside him.

In a moment everyone seemed to lose interest in what had just happened and Anko could finish the explanation so they could go and die in the exam. Well actually she couldn't; everyone started talking.

"Who wants some beef jerky?" roared Kiba.

"Aww Gaara had his very first kiss, isn't cute?" Temari giggled.

"Did anyone catch The O.C. last night?" Sasuke asked desperately.

"I'm holding a séance after the exam, anyone want to come? Sakura asked.

"Ha ha it's Fatty Ino!" Kankuro shouted as he pointed at Ino and laughed.

"I'm not fat! I'm pregnant damnit!" Ino shouted at the sand nin.

Kankuro began doubling over, "Ha! No one would ever do it with a fatty like you! Chouji look out, you might not get your second helpings anymore!"

Ino couldn't take him anymore. She walked over to him and threw a punch at his painted face. Kankuro laughed and caught the punch, however he didn't know that her real plan was to stab him in the heart with a kunai. It worked… sort of she actually got the puppet. This time the real Kankuro was laughing, however he hadn't caught Ino's real real plan in which she'd thrown a shuriken up into a hovering tree branch above. It snapped off and landed on Kankuro crushing him to death.

Anko took her chance. She jumped before Gaara and gave him a "sexy" smile and said, "sorry, you're disqualified."

Later in the day Haku cheerfully skipped through the streets of Kohona. He stopped when he crossed the path of an angst filled little boy of about his own age. Haku gave him a cheerful smile.

"Get the hell away from me before I kill you," hissed the boy.

Haku was still smiling, "Don't be like that! C'mon, by the way you have a really cute face."

He hissed again.

Acknowledgements to whoever created the True Naruto Style thing about sex ed. In case you did not realize that is where I got Kiba's line.


	3. Musspelheim

DiScLaImEr: Y'all know I don't own Naruto, Kishimoto-san does so let us proceed.  
P.S. Sorry for the long update, I was kind out-of fanfiction for a while.

Okay Gaara was officially annoyed now, so he did what anyone who was annyoed with someone else would do, kill them. Sand rose up around Haku then crushed in. Haku was dead, or so Gaara thought. As Gaara watched the sand fly back into his gourd he saw Haku standing on top of the empty mound. Haku seemed somewhat hurt, however his smile at Gaara didn't look fake. "That wasn't very nice..." Haku whispered in his sweet voice to Gaara.

"Owned bitch!" Naruto shouted to Gaara from behind him, he'd been standing there the whole time.

Famous last words. Gaara Desert Graveyarded Naruto's ass. This one hit. As the sand swept into Garra's gourd everyone stared at Naruto's lifeless, dry, cropse. (Everyone is Haku, Gaara, Kiba, and Temari)

Kiba shouted "Plot device'd!" across all of Konoha.

The next day seemingly everyone was at Naruto's burial. Hell even the characters without names, that just show up in the backgrounds of Panels. Well what would one expect, he was the main character (Kishimoto could now succesfully change the title to Sasuke). As most characters mourned over the loss of the boy who held Kyuubi, Gaara was behind a large headstone, thinking of how much he hated everyone and wanted them all to die, he wasn't even close to the "Rescue Sasuke" arc so it was fine.

Orochimaru was with Ino passing by graves of their friends and comrades. As Ino passed Itachi's grave she sighed, he was so much better than Orochimaru. Oro was pretty much Ino's second pick, Itachi being first. She had Itachi too... until his cockiness got him in a fight with another ninja, except he was a ninja/pirate/robot/zombie so Itachi was fucked from the begining. Oro caught the look in Ino's eyes as she stared at Itachi's headstone and screamed.  
"You bitch! You dirty, filthy, stinking whore! You boned Itachi, you wench!" Oro screamed like 16 year old girl who just found out her boyfriend was fucking her best friend.

While she wasn't a villian Anko wasn't too bothered by the death of Naruto, after all he had been ripping off her style. Anko wandered around the cemetary thinknig of that cute kid she saw yesterday. Yes Anko was a pedophile, but no one minded, she was a hot girl in her 20's, not a creepy 50 year odl guy like Orochimaru or Micheal Jackson. As she continued to have fangirl fantasies she found what no fangirl will ever find, Gaara (because Anko, like Gaara is fictional, as in he's not real, and if you think he's real take some medication, and if you are taking medication give me some of that shit to help me write). She jumped on him, of course his shield of sand automatically protected him (Gaara has automatic fangirl protection, I think Kishimoto seems to like Gaara more than Sasuke now, pull some strings and we can have it called Gaara, with Sasuke as a side character).

Naturally something like this wouldn't stop Anko. The cards appeared to be in her favor, at least that's what she believed.

AN: Ugh, I didn't finish the chapter, there's only a little bit mroe to go, I'll just combine the end with the next chapter like I did this time. 


End file.
